Culture
Siezen or Duzen? German Etiquette Foreigners Get Wrong
When to use Sie and when to use du, plus the punctuality, small talk and directness rules that catch newcomers out in Germany.
There is no English equivalent for the moment a German colleague offers you du. English collapsed thou and you centuries ago and never looked back. German kept the distinction, built social rules around it, and those rules are still very much alive.
Get this wrong and you will not be shouted at. You will simply be quietly filed as someone who does not understand how things work. Here is how to avoid that.
The basic rule, and why it is not enough
Sie is formal. Du is informal. Every textbook says this, and it is true but not actionable, because the hard part is knowing which situation you are in.
Use Sie with:
- Anyone in a shop, bank, office, government building or restaurant
- Colleagues you have just met, and anyone senior to you
- Neighbours, until offered otherwise
- Any adult stranger over roughly 30
- Police, officials, doctors, landlords
Use du with:
- Friends, family, children under about 16
- Fellow students, at essentially any age
- People at the gym, climbing hall or sports club
- Anyone who has offered you du
- Almost everyone in a startup, and increasingly in tech generally
The default when you cannot tell
Start with Sie. Always.
Being slightly too formal is a non-event — the other person offers du, you switch, everyone moves on in two seconds. Being too informal with someone who expected Sie reads as either careless or presumptuous, and it lands worse than the mistake feels.
The one clear exception is age. Using Sie with someone obviously in their early twenties in a casual setting can come across as sarcastic. In a bar, at a concert, in a hostel, du is normal.
How the switch happens
The offer belongs to the more senior person: older to younger, boss to employee, and traditionally woman to man. It sounds like this:
Wir können uns gerne duzen. Ich bin Thomas. ("We can use du. I'm Thomas.")
The first name is doing real work there. Sie pairs with Herr or Frau plus surname; du pairs with the first name. When someone gives you their first name unprompted, they are usually signalling the switch.
Your reply is simply your own first name and gerne or sehr gerne. Then — and this is the part people forget — actually switch. Continuing with Sie after being offered du reads as a rebuff.
You can decline, but it is a strong move and rare outside genuine hierarchy. Ich bleibe lieber beim Sie, wenn es Ihnen recht ist is the polite formula, and expect it to register as distance.
Once you switch, you cannot switch back
This surprises people. The move to du is treated as permanent within that relationship. There is no returning to Sie after an argument. In some traditional workplaces the switch is still marked with a drink, the Brüderschaft trinken, precisely because it is understood as one-directional.
Punctuality is not a stereotype
German punctuality is real, and it is stricter than most newcomers assume. Pünktlich means on time, not five minutes after.
- Arriving 10 minutes late to a work meeting requires an apology
- Arriving 15 minutes late to a dinner invitation requires a message first
- Trains, doctors and officials expect you exactly on time
- Arriving early to a private dinner is also awkward — the host may not be ready
If you are running late, message. A short Ich verspäte mich um 10 Minuten, tut mir leid costs nothing and resolves it entirely. Silence is the actual offence.
Directness is not rudeness
Germans generally say what they mean without wrapping it in softeners. English speakers, especially British ones, use a lot of padding — "I was wondering if you might possibly..." — and its absence can read as brusque.
Das ist falsch — "that's wrong" — is a normal thing to hear in a German meeting. It is a comment about the work, not about you. Similarly, if you ask a German friend whether your writing is any good, expect an actual answer.
The flip side is that praise means something. Germans do not distribute super and fantastisch freely, so when you hear it, take it seriously.
Small talk works differently
German small talk is shorter and gets to substance faster. "How are you?" is not a greeting formula — Wie geht's? is a real question, and a real answer is expected. Answering gut, danke and stopping is fine; answering honestly that you have had a rough week is equally fine and will not be treated as oversharing.
Safe topics: travel, food, the region you are in, work, the weather (yes, genuinely), public transport, holidays.
Riskier than you would expect: money and salary, which are treated as considerably more private than in the US.
Rules that catch people out
Recycling is taken seriously. Bins are separated for paper, packaging, organic waste, glass by colour, and residual waste. Getting it wrong can genuinely annoy neighbours, and in some buildings it is enforced.
Sunday is quiet. Ruhezeit means no drilling, no lawnmowing, no loud music, typically all day Sunday and from 22:00 on weeknights. Most shops are closed on Sundays and this catches every newcomer once.
Cash is still normal. Card acceptance is improving quickly, but plenty of bakeries, bars and small restaurants remain cash-only. Carry some.
Jaywalking is frowned upon. Crossing on a red pedestrian light is a small fine and a large amount of disapproval, particularly if children are present.
The one that matters most
If you take a single thing from this: **default to Sie, and let the other person offer du**. It costs you nothing, it signals that you understand the system, and it puts the choice with the person whose call it actually is.
The grammar behind it is worth drilling until it is automatic, because hesitating mid-sentence over a verb ending undermines the politeness you were reaching for. Our A2 course covers formal and informal address across real situations, and the speaking tutor lets you practise both registers aloud before you need them.